Sooo … hey… it’s been a while.
Long time no speak mainly because a lot of crazy shit has been happening.
I’m currently sitting in the place almost 8 months ago I wanted to shoot myself. I ruined what was meant to be the most relaxing, calming place I have left. That is because everywhere else I show up, I ruin the atmosphere with my horrendous attitude and fucked up thoughts.
Since I’ve been gone I’ve got myself in a relationship. Started off so happy like most things… but I eventually find ways of destructing the partnership. My self destructing ways have gone too far now though. I now have a baby on the way… (yippeee I mutter under my breath)
I always wanted a baby of my own son/daughter to love and to hold and wait for it… here comes the big fucking but!
BUT my mental health and my emotions are running amok in my head everyone I see is a threat constant thoughts of self harm and suicide come upon me.
I’m suicidal… but it don’t mean what you’re thinking those words “suicidal” have been perseaved as I’m looking for ways to kill myself but I’m not. I’m not going out of my way to find things to hang myself with, to shoot myself with or even to overdose on. They just happen. Thoughts that are constantly pursuing me night and day. They have turned into me beating myself up at every opportunity I take and every thought that I disregard that even brings up the fact that I’m better than anything else because at the end of the day I’m not.
So I’m going to bring this story to where I left off on my last post all those months ago I was seeing a phscologist on a weekly basis. “Talking therapy” they called it I called it sitting in a fucking empty room with a person trying to tell you that you’re having stupid thoughts that a person in my position shouldn’t be having. He tried his best let me make that clear! He tried hard. I saw him on a weekly basis and I kept to that agreement. Several months in I started getting calls from his admin officer… he’s ill so my appiontment has been cancelled today the first 3 times he did that I shrugged it off but then it started happening more and more. It turned into me seeing him fortnightly then go three or four weeks without even seeing him or a call. I stuck to the agreement I went even though he was ill because I needed him even though I hated going unneeded that but I’d security to hide behind. Eventually I gave up… the way I saw it he was basically washing his hands of me. I wouldn’t of blamed him.
I don’t know myself… I try to think of impressive pros about me and I come up short to the amount of cons that just keep adding up. I hate how people use the phrase “I know you better than anyone” how can you possibly fucking know me better than anyone when I don’t even know myself enough even to contemplate wanting anyone else to know me. Of corse I know my favourite foods and likes and dislikes but that’s not me I’m not the food I eat and I’m certainly not the drink I drink. I’ve talked about loosing myself before but I had it all wrong I’m not loosing myself I’ve lost myself… simple as.
I’m currently on a waiting list to see a psychiatrist who will eventually assess me (not like I’ve been assessed 20 odd times before) thought you might like to read that after me talking about being abandoned by my pshcologist…
Reading through most of this is just pissing me off even more and there’s a lot of people appearing out of the grass around me I hate people but I guess that’s another story… maybe.
So I’ll end it there for now.
No questions. No sudden thoughts. Just… nothing.