New life 

Sooo … hey… it’s been a while. 

Long time no speak mainly because a lot of crazy shit has been happening. 

Let me start off by saying I ain’t happy (what’s new right?) 

I’m currently sitting in the place almost 8 months ago I wanted to shoot myself. I ruined what was meant to be the most relaxing, calming place I have left. That is because everywhere else I show up, I ruin the atmosphere with my horrendous attitude and fucked up thoughts. 

Since I’ve been gone I’ve got myself in a relationship. Started off so happy like most things… but I eventually find ways of destructing the partnership. My self destructing ways have gone too far now though. I now have a baby on the way… (yippeee I mutter under my breath) 

I always wanted a baby of my own son/daughter to love and to hold and wait for it… here comes the big fucking but!

BUT my mental health and my emotions are running amok in my head everyone I see is a threat constant thoughts of self harm and suicide come upon me.

I’m suicidal… but it don’t mean what you’re thinking those words “suicidal” have been perseaved as I’m looking for ways to kill myself but I’m not. I’m not going out of my way to find things to hang myself with, to shoot myself with or even to overdose on. They just happen. Thoughts that are constantly pursuing me night and day. They have turned into me beating myself up at every opportunity I take and every thought that I disregard that even brings up the fact that I’m better than anything else because at the end of the day I’m not. 

So I’m going to bring this story to where I left off on my last post all those months ago I was seeing a phscologist on a weekly basis. “Talking therapy” they called it I called it sitting in a fucking empty room with a person trying to tell you that you’re having stupid thoughts that a person in my position shouldn’t be having. He tried his best let me make that clear! He tried hard. I saw him on a weekly basis and I kept to that agreement. Several months in I started getting calls from his admin officer… he’s ill so my appiontment has been cancelled today the first 3 times he did that I shrugged it off but then it started happening more and more. It turned into me seeing him fortnightly then go three or four weeks without even seeing him or a call. I stuck to the agreement I went even though he was ill because I needed him even though I hated going unneeded that but I’d security to hide behind. Eventually I gave up… the way I saw it he was basically washing his hands of me. I wouldn’t of blamed him. 

I don’t know myself… I try to think of impressive pros about me and I come up short to the amount of cons that just keep adding up. I hate how people use the phrase “I know you better than anyone” how can you possibly fucking know me better than anyone when I don’t even know myself enough even to contemplate wanting anyone else to know me. Of corse I know my favourite foods and likes and dislikes but that’s not me I’m not the food I eat and I’m certainly not the drink I drink. I’ve talked about loosing myself before but I had it all wrong I’m not loosing myself I’ve lost myself… simple as. 

I’m currently on a waiting list to see a psychiatrist who will eventually assess me (not like I’ve been assessed 20 odd times before) thought you might like to read that after me talking about being abandoned by my pshcologist…

Reading through most of this is just pissing me off even more and there’s a lot of people appearing out of the grass around me I hate people but I guess that’s another story… maybe. 

So I’ll end it there for now.

No questions. No sudden thoughts. Just… nothing. 

Ryan 

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Needed

I’ve come to realise that I can’t be happy unless I’m needed. So I can add that to my list of ever growing problems. I’m losing my foundations on my own, my footing is slipping and my arms are too busy juggling all the shit I have to do to get through the day. I have two choices drop everything and reach out to keep myself from hitting the floor… but by doing that I’d drop all the things I’m currently juggling and if I drop them they will all come dropping on my like a cartoon when each object hits me on the head. Or I could try and keep balancing…

I need to be needed, by someone, by anyone. Not just needed by someone so they can say “I need you to stay alive” that’s bullshit, that’s pity. I want to be NEEDED. I want someone to say “I wouldn’t be able do say this if it wasn’t for you Ryan” and fucking truly mean it.

 I want to be a hero. I want to be wanted around them I don’t want to be used and tossed aside when I’m no longer needed. My constant urge to be needed outgrows me. It’s hard for me to ask things from people because I’m too proud to accept pity. That being said I’m not proud enough to say the one thing that’s kept me going this far. “I was a soldier” that’s bullshit I’ve been proud of something that I’ve never fully achieved. I hate myself. I hate my being. Do I want to be accepted? People ask me… no is a very simple answer. The more complex answer would have to be I want to be accepted as a soldier but that’s not going to happen so fuck it and fuck you for asking!

How come I’ve only just realised that ive been feeding of a lie? 

How come my mind is so fucked up that i have live in a false sense of happiness in being a hero? 

How come no matter how hard I try I can’t get the army out of my fucking brain? 

Why can’t I just forget? 

Why won’t these visions of being someone with pride and happiness leave my brain? 

How come no matter how hard I try I have to constantly shut down so I can just ignore the voices in my head telling me to do things to people who anger me or torment me? (me being one of them people)

I’m only happy when I’m with her… what if the day come when she’s not happy with me? 

Stay positive 

All you have to do is “stay positive”That’s all you have to do… 

it’s a new year. It’s meant to be a fresh start, a new outlook on the year ahead yet already it’s starting to look like things are only getting worse. 

My car broke down on the way to work and it’s going to cost around £400 to fix it… first day back at work and already I want to scream and shout. I have to organise seeing my psychologist again today but how can I going there will only make me lose pay from skipping a few hours a week and now that I have no transport I’ll have to miss even more time just so I can get to the appointment on time. 

Fuck it.

I had a heart to heart with “N” and she was breaking down. I always struggle with the people I love crying infront of me because all I wanted to do is take all her worries away from her. I kept reassuring her that I’m not going anywhere. She sees life in a slightly different way to me and neither of us look highly on ourselves. Sometimes I feel like I cause 3/4 of her stress and I worry about when she goes home to be around people who scare her and walk over her. 

I’ve been there! I’ve been in that position and all I can do is stand there with my arms out waiting for her to run to me I can’t force her to chose me. But on the other hand why would she want to move into my shitty box room having to come “home” to me to spend time around me?? Practically 24/7 I can’t stand me 24/7 how can I expect her too. 

I would destroy anyone who would dare hurt her now she has me but it scares me because I’ve not felt like this in a long time… if she ever left …. that’s it for me I’m out of ideas I can’t keep starting over I can’t keep pretending that I’m going to be fine because I’m not fine I’m fucking far from it… 

I don’t drink as much as I used to because I’m scared that I’d cut myself or something worse. 

You don’t understand! 

You won’t get my point of view! 

I won’t be like you… I won’t let him take over me… my anger consumes me and my emotions fuel me. But I guess you can’t stop DNA… can you?

I still can’t stand the sight of myself in the mirror seeing myself for who I truly am. 

I’m losing my shit on a daily basis now I find myself crying myself to sleep and having cold sweats and night terrors waking me up at night but it’s right before I die in my dreams is when I actually wake up it’s like my dreams are telling me that being dead is my life… I must have the wrong end of the stick surely??? 

But I guess I gotta stay “positive” …

Pieces

I am nothing but a hatefilled sack of utter bitterness and despair. I stay awake because my mind is filled with thoughts and visions. Visions of a better me. Thoughts of a better time. I’m in a constant state of unhappyness with myself. 

Today is the first time In a week that I’ve had major thoughts of suicide. I got home from work just sitting on my bed in a room filled with silence. If you have read through my other blog posts you would have known that I feel worse during times of complete silence. My scars have started to fade (lucky me) … but I still see them. Not clear but it’s like a mental image in the back of my head of my wrists and neck covered in blood. 
I fear myself losing control of my own thoughts on a daily basis and I’ve even resorted to using rescue spray to help my nerves during daily tasks to stop me from having panic attacks at work and home. But I still came home from work today and sat in complete silence while my thoughts and the old familiar voices that haven’t plagued me in a while started chattering away again. But this time it was me. Me! I wanted to grab the knife. I wanted to feel it’s touch again. It’s the first time in a month that I’ve wanted to hurt myself so badly I hate myself and I hate the fact that I’m tying people down like my new Mrs. 

I wish I could just get her to walk away from me. She don’t deserve this… to be in love with someone as fucked up as me… why is it that every time I try to find happiness there’s always my inner demons that fuck it up for me. I constantly find faults in myself and bring them to light so everyone knows about them. I sabotage myself in normal working day just so no one can speak about me behind my back. If I lose control now I’d lose everything and I’d lose her. 

Keeping myself looking forward just won’t work for me I thought I could just forget about everything after going over it so many fucking times with people who have only recently started to care. But it just don’t fucking work like that!! To be as angry and fucked up as me you have to have reasons… no one just wakes up and wants to be a dick for no reason.

I just want to be held. I just want to be told that no matter what Ryan I’d be there for you but even that to me wouldn’t be good enough. People in my life have had so many chances to show me love and affection and only now when I start pushing away and burning bridges do they start using it as an excuse to not to talk to me. Because You’re being selfish Ryan. You’re spending money you haven’t got on people who don’t care and people who wouldn’t be worried of you just went away for the rest of their lives. You see my problem is if swim oceans for people who wouldn’t cross a bridge for me… that’s the only way I can put it without breaking down in tears. 

Everyone needs to cry I understand that more than anything. But I can’t I can’t show the tears I’ll cry to myself where no one can see and no one can hear because I’m too proud to let anyone know that it’s getting to me. Am I a dickhead for believing that?? I don’t know but what I do know is that no matter how hard i try that first tear is always the hardest to keep in. Once it’s out… it brings the rain.

That’s why everyday I’m fighting back all emotion and I end up walking round like I would kill anyone of them if they dared to piss me off. I’m an angry person, I wear a balaclava at work just to hide my face from other co workers who persistently ask me “what’s wrong” and to fucking “cheer up” just because I don’t have a fucking smile on my face so now they don’t talk to me. Which is fine for me I don’t come to work to make friends I just want to go in… work… get paid…. go home. 

Why should I have to hide my thoughts from the world when they automatically assume they are pure? 

Eyes everywhere

How can one person be so filled with fear amplified by paranoia facing normal day to day challenges? From getting up in the morning… to falling asleep at night and all those fuck ups through out the day. 

But my fears are “abnormal” at best.

I go around like i ain’t scared of shit! but there is reasons why I stand with my back against the wall in public places and constantly looking over my shoulder. 

But out of all my fears one stands most prominent and it consumes me with hatred daily. I fear being alone. I have family and friends yes but call me what you like I don’t feel comfortable around them as I once was. 

Parts of me cry inside so fucking much! I could have the biggest smile on my face and still be holding back the tears. I’m scared of losing this new found love I have for someone who has just appeared back into my life out of nowhere. She has actually made me feel better but me being me has made myself feel just as bad as I was. I need constant approval and reassurance from her and I can see it’s driving her mad. 

But she still sees a future with me. 

I constantly think about how I act around people and how my voice isn’t heard. I would love to beat the 50 shades of shit out of anyone who ignores me or even worse listens and does the opposite from the advice I gave.

How can someone like me be attractive to someone as beautiful and perfect as her? 

She shines a light in this hallway of darkness and I’ve started running for it and it’s burning my eyes. There’s now a drop infront of me I can’t tell how deep but it’s pretty deep. There’s the light glistening down below and I have jumped and I’m in a never ending state of falling down this deep cavern. Here we go with the constant fear again…. will she be at the bottom to catch me? Or will I land head first and not be able to get up? That’s my constant fear. But while I’m falling I can see ledges and branches to stop me from falling hitting me on my way down. Each one thicker and more harmful to me when I hit them. Offering me a way out. 

But I want to see where this fall will take me I want to see the light and be in its glow again. I feel the need to say that I’m putting 300% more effort than I’ve ever done in anything before because I feel that this woman can change my whole outlook on life maybe not “fix” me but then again I’m not broken. I’m merely FUBAR. (fucked up beyond recognition) 

I’ve seen people come in and out of my life so many pissing times. I’ve lost count of those who have walked away from me and hurt me. But i burn my bridges. When I walk away from something or someone I make sure they will hate me every time they hear my name. I’ve said things I don’t mean and I’ve done things that I would consider hurtful majorly just so people can get on with their lives without me. I’ve ended relationships and friendships and emotional ties on lies throughout my life because it’s so much easier than just “staying friends”. 

But here I am again… possibly for the last time where I’m the one hurtling down this cliff side begging that this angel no… this goddess! is at the bottom to catch me. Since she is the reason why I jumped and took this leap of faith.

But either way it’s to late to grab on these branches now. My eyes are narrowed, my speed increases and I can see the floor coming up faster with every day that goes by. 

What kind of sick, fucked up, idiot would put everything they’ve got left into one person?? 

Me!!!

And I wouldn’t rewind time to change my decision for no man or woman on this god forsaken planet. 

Silence kills 

So today is the last day of being 20. I used to think birthdays were special… a day in every year where you should be fucking happy. But this year isn’t my year, it hasn’t been my year for the past 3 years. In and out of jobs. 4 failed relationships and countless failed possibilities of a better fucking life. 

I was always told “good things come to those who wait”… how fucking long do I have to fucking god damn wait? I say I’ve waited long enough. I say fuck giving two shits what people try to tell me what I can do and can’t do! 

Do you think I like being me? Do you fucking think I enjoy watching myself turn into this hatefilled ball of stress, anxiety and depression. I’m constantly holding my guard up against everyone and everything. I take things the wrong way and I end up hating myself more. I notice actions, I notice words and I notice your pissing body language. Nothing gets past me. You can come straight to my face and lie and I could tell. 

I know the difference between right and wrong so why don’t anyone else? Everyone in this world gets to make their own choices about what they want to do with this life… so why can’t I?

Every pissing moment I look like I’m staring into thin air, what I’m actually doing is picturing my future but it does not stay that way for long… suddenly my life that I’m picturing in my head turns dark and I’m looking through a flash of the life I’ve had so far.

Why am I like this? Why can’t I just be fucking happy? Why do I have to constantly stop myself from fucking crying in pain? Although… it’s not physical pain you see, it’s the pain of carrying on and trying over and over again. 

It’s funny, last weekend I went out with my two best mates… the guys who I’ve went through school with and done stupid shit with… we was going rock climbing (because I actually enjoy that shit) one of them turned to me saying tonight because it’s your birthday next week we are going to drink and get absolutely smashed. The other mate commented yeah we are going to die. I laughed, they know what I’ve tried to do before they know how I feel because I entrusted that in them. My other mate then said yeah Ryan I don’t want you actually dying… I don’t want you committing suicide on us. Joking of course but I just smiled and nodded. Just smile and nod Ryan, just ignore them Ryan.

That’s when it hit me. Family can’t understand me. Friends can’t understand me. Lovers don’t want anything to do with me after I show them scars and my past. Everyone says they understand! They say they can fucking try to help. Emphasis on fucking try!

But I can’t keep trying to make me see the light in this world because I look at life and all I see is the darkness. I actually thought I was out of this slump. I was beginning to think that I might be actually achieving a better outlook on all this shit but no! 

Maybe I should just go out on the day I came back in? 

Hard times 

This was meant to be a night of enjoying myself. This was meant to be a night of happiness but it’s not….

Today is 4 days before my birthday. Four days before my 21st birthday. The big “twenty one” and I’m sitting here in the smoking shelter thinking about why I’m still here.

2 months ago I was thinking about ending it all…. I planned and I conspired against myself. But yet I’m still sitting here trying to hide my tears from all these drunk idiots. I love to drink… I really do but tonight I’m not fully into it. A part of me wants someone to come over to the corner I’m in and ask me if I’m okay yet a bigger part of me wants the opposite. I sit here still trying to understand why the fuck am I still here. 

Yes… I can count all the mistakes I’ve made in my life. Yes I can count all the people I’ve hurt through these 21 years of this so called life… but I’m sitting here not fully understanding why the fuck I haven’t done anything about it yet. 

I still hate everything ive done or tried to achieve in my life. That hasn changed. Although on the other hand there must be a reason why I’m still clinging on to hopes if a better life. 

Maybe if I move out I will feel better? 

Maybe if I get rid of all the things that cause me to be this way I would feel better? But that would mean I would have to have another attempt on my life maybe this time it would work? 

I honestly don’t know why I feel so shitty I bring down everyone around me. I make them feel like shit. I walk into a room and the darkness follows me and surrounds everyone that I come in contact with. 

I didn’t want to live till I’m twenty one…. I didn’t want to keep trying to make myself feel better but nothing is working! And I’m still sitting here confused on what I want. 

But now the people I’m with are coming to find me and ask what’s wrong??? 

Like they would understand… 

No one understands me 

Why should I carry on? 

Because I can’t keep trying to hide the fact that inside I’m imploding waiting for the right moment to pick a fight that I won’t win….